This week is a big departure for me. I’m coming out of the closet. Actually my closet is coming out of the closet. Let me explain…
It all started at the Hot Yoga Studio where I teach here in Sedona. I was talking to one of my friends, Maria who is a real regular there and we got on the topic of yoga clothes and that turned to closets, and Maria gushed about how much she loved hers. And I could tell she truly loved it. She then showed me a picture of it (left) — and my jaw dropped. A chandelier?! You could have a romantic dinner for two in Maria’s closet!
It absolutely amazed me that she had put so much loving attention into a place in her house that others almost never see. Look at it — it even has a beautiful center table (I assume, for folding) and a Swarovski crystal chandelier! And Maria doesn’t live in a mansion.
It made me think of my closet. It’s a whole different story. Just to give you (and me) some perspective, when I got home, I took a picture of it. Here’s mine in all it’s glory. It looks pretty “normal” I suppose. I mean don’t most of us use our closets to HIDE stuff? Isn’t the closet where we mindlessly throw all the things we have no idea where else to put? That’s been my closet technique over the years. And as you can see, I’ve done it pretty well.
For some reason, I haven’t been able to get Maria’s closet out of my head. So I’ve been feeling into my obsession with it, and I came up with these two questions (that you may want to try on yourself):
- What am I hiding in my closet — or to put it another way, What do I not want to show anyone?
- Where in my life do I put love and attention into something purely for me? For something others probably will never see?
Unfortunately, I came up blank on question #2. I don’t think I have an equivalent to Maria’s closet — something that is special and hidden away, just for me. And I now realize I want a place like that, where I make it just for me. I’ll let you know when I discover what hidden (or inner thing) I want to create).
I find that answering #1 is really challenging for me. I think, long ago, due to an unsafe upbringing and some pretty horrific bullying, I put on a facade (created a false self — or at least a partial persona) that said “I don’t give a you-know-what about what others think of me. It seemed like at the time, I had a choice — be crippled by the self-doubt that wearing my true. sensitive skin would create, or put on a tough guy mask and forge confidently forward. I chose the latter.
Now, I realize that I paid for that choice by cutting off my deepest form of connection to others and to my more vulnerable self. I’m not bemoaning it or falling into an abyss of self-blame here. I’m simply acknowledging it — embracing the loss of that younger, more feminine part. And I’m also admitting to myself that I want that part back. I want to let others in more fully.
That’s it: I want to let others in more fully.
It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? But actually, it feels really hard. I’ve built my persona on doing the opposite.
This blog post, I guess, is a baby step — a public (oddly scary) acknowledgment of this awkward, new desire arising within me. My legs feel a little wobbly, but I’m moving forward anyway. And if I just keep taking baby steps, my heart, mind and body may learn a new way of being.
Thank you for witnessing this part of me. I hope it helps you witness a part of you that may be in the closet, just waiting to be honored too.
Vicki Howie is an Empath, Life Coach, and Creator of Chakra Boosters Healing Tattoos™. You can get her new book “The Key to the Chakras” here. Vicki’s a Certified Master Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner, and Registered Yoga Teacher who can help you tap into your personal roadmap for success – your chakras. Grab your FREE copy of her Chakra Empowerment Course or a FREE copy of her Heart Chakra Healing Song or find out more about her Chakra Boosters Healing Tattoos™ here. Love and blessings.