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A Part of Me Is Coming Out of the Closet…

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This week is a big departure for me. I’m coming out of the closet. Actually my closet is coming out of the closet. Let me explain…

It all started at the Hot Yoga Studio where I teach here in Sedona. I was talking to one of my friends, Maria who is a real regular there and we got on the topic of yoga clothes and that turned to closets, and Maria gushed about how much she loved hers. And I could tell she truly loved it. She then showed me a picture of it (left) — and my jaw dropped. A chandelier?! You could have a romantic dinner for two in Maria’s closet!

It absolutely amazed me that she had put so much loving attention into a place in her house that others almost never see. Look at it — it even has a beautiful center table (I assume, for folding) and a Swarovski crystal chandelier! And Maria doesn’t live in a mansion.

It made me think of my closet. It’s a whole different story. Just to give you (and me) some perspective, when I got home, I took a picture of it. Here’s mine in all it’s glory. It looks pretty “normal” I suppose. I mean don’t most of us use our closets to HIDE stuff? Isn’t the closet where we mindlessly throw all the things we have no idea where else to  put? That’s been my closet technique over the years. And as you can see, I’ve done it pretty well.

For some reason, I haven’t been able to get Maria’s closet out of my head. So I’ve been feeling into my obsession with it, and I came up with these two questions (that you may want to try on yourself):

  1. What am I hiding in my closet — or to put it another way, What do I not want to show anyone?
  2. Where in my life do I put love and attention into something purely for me? For something others probably will never see?

Unfortunately, I came up blank on question #2. I don’t think I have an equivalent to Maria’s closet — something that is special and hidden away, just for me. And I now realize I want a place like that, where I make it just for me. I’ll let you know when I discover what hidden (or inner thing) I want to create).

I find that answering #1 is really challenging for me. I think, long ago, due to an unsafe upbringing and some pretty horrific bullying, I put on a facade (created a false self — or at least a partial persona) that said “I don’t give a you-know-what about what others think of me. It seemed like at the time, I had a choice — be crippled by the self-doubt that wearing my true. sensitive skin would create, or put on a tough guy mask and forge confidently forward. I chose the latter.

Now, I realize that I paid for that choice by cutting off my deepest form of connection to others and to my more vulnerable self. I’m not bemoaning it or falling into an abyss of self-blame here. I’m simply acknowledging it — embracing the loss of that younger, more feminine part. And I’m also admitting to myself that I want that part back. I want to let others in more fully.

That’s it: I want to let others in more fully.

It sounds so easy, doesn’t it?  But actually, it feels really hard. I’ve built my persona on doing the opposite.

This blog post, I guess, is a baby step — a public (oddly scary) acknowledgment of this awkward, new desire arising within me. My legs feel a little wobbly, but I’m moving forward anyway. And if I just keep taking baby steps, my heart, mind and body may learn a new way of being.

Thank you for witnessing this part of me. I hope it helps you witness a part of you that may be in the closet, just waiting to be honored too.

Vicki Howie is an Empath, Life Coach, and Creator of Chakra Boosters Healing Tattoos™. You can get her new book “The Key to the Chakras” here. Vicki’s a Certified Master Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner, and Registered Yoga Teacher  who can help you tap into your personal roadmap for success – your chakras. Grab your FREE copy of her Chakra Empowerment Course or a FREE copy of her Heart Chakra Healing Song or find out more about her Chakra Boosters Healing Tattoos™ here. Love and blessings.

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9 Comments:

  • Falguni
    November 2, 2017

    Wow I’m blown away by Maria’s closet, too! Self love! And touched by your vulnerable post. Your questions are great and worth reflection. And wanting to let others in more fully..oh yea! Thanks for sharing your process, I definitely resonate. May your baby steps turn into confident leaps. Much love.

  • Pam
    November 2, 2017

    Thank you for sharing! I feel like quite a lot of us have had the same experience. I know I definitely have!

  • Vicki
    November 2, 2017

    Sooo nice to know I’m not alone, Pam. Thank you sweetie. xoxoo

  • Vicki
    November 2, 2017

    Yes, let’s let each other in more fully Falguni! Thanks for taking the time to reply honey! xoxoxo V-

  • Cheryl
    November 2, 2017

    Thanks for sharing Vicki. I can completely relate to your closet and the outer tough gal persona.

  • Linda Maddox
    November 2, 2017

    Oh my!!!! I can so much relate to this.I have always been picked on as a child.people just don’t understand why I am so sensitive.Many times I have kept my tears hidden. Thank-you for sharing, I’m happy to know I’m not alone.

  • Victoria
    November 2, 2017

    Thank you for sharing…very powerful. As one who has been crippled by self-doubt, and suffered from codependence, I appreciate that no mask is superior or inferior to another. All are false and exhausting ways of living. Here is to gently revealing our real selves to liberation and authenticity.

  • Jana
    November 3, 2017

    Wow Vicki…..your #2 really made me think…I haven’t put any love or attention into anything for me… it’s always been everything for my husband and kids and grandkids, and I’m 58. I don’t know where I would even start. I love the closet idea but mine is hardly big enough to turn around in. I need to think bigger….just thinking about this is making me cry…I don’t know why. Love you Vicki, you are beautiful and amazing.

  • November 3, 2017

    Hey, Vicki, I’ve been working on this myself for years now and it’s a great step toward living more fully. Yes, I may feel more pain, but I feel greater joy. It’s wonderful. You are such a bright, shining light. Blessings on your journey and many thanks for all you do for the rest of us.

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