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#MeToo – My Story of Sexual Abuse and My Vision of More Divine Feminine

9

Dear One,

Usually, I write about the chakras and focus on you and your amazing potential and possibilities.

But Spirit keeps telling me to share something really, really personal with you — my #metoo experience — and it scares the hell out of me, because I don’t fully understand the “why” of this sharing and really don’t want to impose on you.

Still, I trust Spirit. Always. Unconditionally. So, I MUST follow this guidance. Can you read this with an open heart and give my sharing a soft place to land?

I believe I have personally outgrown these events and now have a lovely relationship with my beloved, Ross, but it still, it seems important that all of us women who have suffered some sort of abuse put our voices out there so we can reflect a real picture of what has been taking place sexually in our world for centuries.

We need to clear the slate and start anew.

Here’s my story.

I have been sexually abused several times, in different ways. I can’t even say the exact number of times, because while I remember three incidents quite clearly, I also have an entire year of my life (when I lived with a male friend) that I cannot recall at all. That’s right. I literally, cannot remember an entire year.

I recently went back and stood on the doorstep of that old address, and I didn’t even recognize the place. This selective amnesia makes me curious — or more accurately, suspicious — of what I experienced during that year, but I have no way of revisiting it at this time, so it remains a mystery for now…

What I do know is this:

My older brother molested me when I was about 10 or 11. One day, he brought me into his room, placed my hand on his penis and showed me how to pleasure him.

After that, he never did it again.

I think the guilt overweighed his adolescent lust, and looking back, I forgive him. He was a young boy with potent sex drive (in our very dysfunctional household!), not thinking about the effect his actions would have on me, until after he’d already done it and it was too late to take back.

I’m pretty sure he has never forgiven himself, though, because he has always kept me at a distance, and by now, I have accepted that he very likely, always will. To me, in the big picture, that is the biggest loss.

The next abuse happened when I was 19 or 20. I had just moved to the Atlantic City area, and one night, I went out to a bar with some new girlfriends, and some guy put a roofie (knock out drug) in my drink.

I remember everything spinning after just one drink and then walking out of the bar to get some air (I should have turned to my new girlfriends, but I think I was embarrassed about feeling so sick). I sat down on a curb and threw up. After that, all I remember is waking up in this stranger’s bed and him saying that I came home with him from the bar and that we’d had sex.

This was back in the day when there was no information about roofies yet. I knew I only had one drink, but somehow, I thought it was all my fault. I really didn’t understand exactly what had happened until many years later when all the news about roofies came out in the media.  At the time of that incident, I had just started dating a guy pretty regularly, so I felt some shame and guilt, like I had “cheated” on him (it’s so weird how things can get twisted and turned around in your head).

The thing I want to point out is that up to that point, I still didn’t have a healthy, personal relationship with my own sexuality. Sex was something I put up with in order to be loved or to get close to a man. It wasn’t about me sharing what I really wanted or opening up. I wasn’t able to do that yet.

The last sexual abuse of my life took place just nine years ago.

And at that time, I was much more connected to my sexuality, so the abuse was much more ‘subtle.’ You may not even think it was abuse, and that’s okay.

I know that it was. And I took action on it, and that is all that matters to me. I’m sharing my experience from my perspective, and of course, you have the right to interpret it any way you want.

I was head-over-heels in love with a guy who had a genuinely big heart. We met through an online dating service and I fell for him immediately, because his energy felt homey and delicious to me.

We dove into a passionate relationship that seemed amazing, except for two big flags that I didn’t fully acknowledge until after he “raped” me (yes, I’m using quotes because I understand that you may not consider his actions to be rape, and I want to honor the subjective nature of my experience).

The two flags were: 1) Whenever I would speak of our future together, he would say that he was going to ruin us, that we wouldn’t ultimately last (I thought he was just insecure about whether he could be a “good” boyfriend, so I ignored his comment, though it definitely made me feel uneasy). And 2) He told me quite frankly that his wife of about 20 years (who had divorced him 3 years earlier) said she was afraid of him.

I don’t know why he shared this with me (a few different times), but it was definitely another puzzle in our relationship. WHY would she be afraid of this sweet, loving man?

I eventually got my answer.

We had been dating a few months, and I could feel him getting more reactive to me, more agitated by innocent actions. He got really upset about me not showing up right on time for something, and it felt like an over-reaction to me, but I wanted to soothe him a bit, and meet him halfway, so I offered to come see him at his place which was quite a drive (an hour or so) from mine.

I won’t go into all the details. The only part I need to share is this: at one point in our “love making,” the man who loved me was replaced by a man who was very, very angry with me, and he used the time inside me to hurt me. And it all happened so quickly that it took my body and consciousness a moment to catch up.

I was in a sort of shock.

I laid there and took his anger and abuse.

I know right now, especially if you’re a man, you may be wondering… was he just being passionate?

No. He was being angry and abusive. I’m not even sure it was “him” who was inside of me. It seemed like some shadow side of him had taken over.

I loved this man. With all my heart. And as an empath, I know the difference between love and anger; love-making and sexual abuse.

But my mind couldn’t wrap around what had happened. Still, instinctually, I knew we were over.

And we were.

I understood why his wife was afraid of him.

I understood why he had said he would eventually ruin us.

Sexual abuse comes in so many different forms.

I have been abused by a young boy’s naive lust, a young man’s criminal scheming, and a grown man’s repressed shadow.

And every incident (like all incidents in life) has led me deeper into who I really am and what I am, and am NOT, willing to accept in my life.

I just got tears in my life as I typed that “NOT” in capitals.

Boundaries and strength, ladies. We must rid our lives of what is not acceptable, so we have room to cultivate what we truly want.

We must quite simply say “no” to what we refuse to let into our field, so we can say a big “yes” to the love, support, pleasure, and joy that awaits our invitation.

I am writing this in a Divine Feminine “11” year, at the start of a new moon (new beginnings — though I didn’t actually publish this until a couple weeks later), and I want to send out this intention:

May the Divine Feminine energy grow on this planet and may we all learn to own the sacral energy within us that is sensitive, flowing, intuitive and emotional. If we can all feel safer with each other, then we can be more vulnerable, open and connected.

I have a vision of us all — men and women — coming together with an awareness that sexuality can only be enjoyed when given freely. You can’t take it. Anything we take in relationship cannot be enjoyed, because the joy of relationship comes from connection, love and respect for the other.

Thanks for letting me share. I hope this helps you in some way.

I love and appreciate you.

Vicki

9 Comments:

  • Linda Whittington
    January 24, 2018

    Vicki I just had to respond. . .Thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your story. You are amazing and I appreciate and respect you SO much. I just wanted to send you a shower of LOVE and LIGHT!! You so deserve it <3

  • Karen
    January 24, 2018

    This is just so stunningly…beautifully…offered. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m beginning to tingle about maybe getting my own story up and down on paper. Again, thank you! Bright blessings to you!

  • Stacey
    January 24, 2018

    This explains my strong connection and love for you. I too was sexually abused around the age of 11-12. But even then I was strong enough to say NO! But it still affected me and I never told anyone for many, many years. 2 years ago I forgave myself for holding on to all the emotions around this abuse and for letting it shape me and my life in a powerful way – TRUST. I have an amazing husband for 36 years and I’m grateful everyday for his gentleness, love and compassion. Just when I think I’ve released it – here I am writing it and crying. Just another release. Because my tears are of LOVE for me, for my intuition, for my strength and for my forgiveness. Thank you Vicki – for being my sister in LIFE, LOVE, & FORIVENESS.

    Stacey XO 🙂

  • Stacey
    January 24, 2018

    This explains my strong connection and love for you. I too was sexually abused around the age of 11-12. But even then I was strong enough to say NO! But it still affected me and I never told anyone for many, many years. 2 years ago I forgave myself for holding on to all the emotions around this abuse and for letting it shape me and my life in a powerful way – TRUST. I have an amazing husband for 36 years and I’m grateful everyday for his gentleness, love and compassion. Just when I think I’ve released it – here I am writing it and crying. Just another release. Because my tears are of LOVE for me, for my intuition, for my strength and for my forgiveness. Thank you Vicki – for being my sister in LIFE, LOVE, & FORIVENESS.
    Stacey XO ?

  • Bernice
    January 24, 2018

    Dear Vicki,
    Thank you for sharing these extremely painful experiences that came into your life. I admire your honesty and your courage.
    I am sending you blessings of Love and Light and Joy – lots of joy!!!
    Love,
    Bernice

  • Nancy
    January 27, 2018

    Thank you for your brave sharing, Vicki. I support you on your journey. There are so many nuances and subtleties related to this issue, & you had the courage to open up with details about your feelings at those times in your life. Peace & blessings to you.

  • Katy
    January 28, 2018

    Blessings too you for sharing and making peace with these challenges in your life.

    I too had an experience not unlike the last encounter, the difference being that my partner tried harder to ‘warn’ me of his sexual fantasies and predilections.

    I really liked this man also, at first I thought it might be fun & ‘interesting’ to explore new sexual fantasies and everyone seemed to be reading Fifty Shades and trying out all sorts of things…..

    For me, afterwards I didn’t feel abused but most definitely violated and I asked him to leave immediately.

    He did leave and was truly mortified and upset that I hadn’t enjoyed the experience when he clearly had. He said he felt like a freak and wished that he could enjoy lovemaking as we tend to usually think of it.

    We eventually made peace with each other but I couldn’t bring myself to be his ‘friend’ or stay in contact.

    This lesson, I now value in my 50th year.
    I have learned to make my own needs my priority, not someone else’s.

    Although it is good to be open minded sexually, I agree with you Vicki that knowing your own boundaries and exactly how to express them is so important.

    Positive energy & love to you all
    Xxxxxxxx ?

  • Vicki
    March 5, 2018

    Sooo Beautiful, Katy. Thank you for sharing. When you do, you help all of us women to take care of our needs. xoxo, V-

  • Vicki
    March 5, 2018

    Right back at you, Sweetheart! xoxo

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